So, in the Sxxual Integrity & Restoration (SIR) class in the Brig, the inmates presented an argument in defense of multiple sxxual partners. They said things like, “Today, everyone is doing it anyway,” and, “Abstinence is so antiquated and unnecessary,” and, “The good outweighs the bad,” and the coup de grâce, “All those previous relationships actually helped us and prepared us for marriage.”
Is this true? Can we “partake” with total abandon without consequences? Were our previous generations simply too rigid or puritanical? Can we have our cake and eat it too? (Hint: Don’t fall for that baloney. God’s warnings about sxxual promiscuity haven’t changed. His word is true yesterday, today, and forevermore.)
For starters, I shared a conversation I had with a woman on an airplane who said that over the years she’d been in only three or four serious relationships, but presently she was engaged to “Mr. Right.” She asserted that those past relationships were all beautiful and they taught her much about relational skills and communication. She actually said they were like “practice for the real thing.”
At that moment, I wasn’t prepared to respond or counter her points, so I remained silent, the conversation ended, and she dozed off. However, I continued to wrestle with this. After giving it greater thought, I gently nudged her, acted a little surprised that she woke up, and said, “Oh. You’re awake.” (LOL) I dove right in and asked her why those previous relationships ended. She said things like lost interest, lost the flame, lost the communication, lost trust, incompatibilities in behavior, etc. I also asked her, “When all those relationships ended, was it beautiful?” She said of course not, each one hurt. I then asked her, “What are other names for a break up?” She said things like separate, end a relationship, etc. I told her, “You missed a word. Divorce.” She was mildly shocked but I told her, “Sounds to me like you’ve been practicing for divorce.” When the going got tough, this couple, like so many of us, chose to bail on the relationship.
How many of us are guilty of intentionally evaluating our past relationships with such a narrow view? How many of us have chose to ignore the loss, the pain, and the regrets of previous relationships, and instead, we chose to sugarcoat things and tell ourselves, “Well it’s all practice for the real thing”? I’m guilty too.
Here’s a precept that I heard Doctor Ravi Zacharias teach on. I personally refer to it as the “Now or Later Principle.”
— All pleasure costs you something. For legitimate pleasure you pay first. For illegitimate pleasure you pay later.
Where relationships, dating, and sex is concerned, patience, discipline, abstinence, and obedience is the price for legitimate pleasure. Exercise these attributes first and you’ve earned legitimate pleasure. Conversely, when we get the pleasure first, the bill-collector will come-a -knockin’. The price for illegitimate, ungodly pleasure is unhealthy soul-ties, emotional scars, comparisons, sinful memories, sin in the foundation of the relationship, guilt, regrets, insecurities, secrets, etc.
The baggage and damage that comes with multiple relationships far outweigh any benefits. Because we compromise our souls, the loss is always greater than the gain is these relationships. “For what will someone give in exchange for their soul?” (Mk 8:37) In multiple relationships we give bits and pieces of our heart (soul) away, and we quickly become scarred, suspicious, guarded, programmed, and conditioned. We then proceed into the next relationship with greater baggage — noncommittal and growing reservations.
These are indicators of unhealthy, ungodly soul-ties! Here’s a simple definition of soul-ties: a psychological, emotional, physiological dependency; captivation of one’s will, intellect, & emotions (soul). Understand that soul-ties can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, godly or ungodly. Don’t you remember that “the two become one”?!! (Gen 2:24; Mk 10:8; 1Cor 6:16) Proverbs 4:23 says to, “Guard your heart (soul) above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
You and I both know the pain of past, broken, intimate relationships. Don’t get me wrong. I know that life is full of risk and pain, and that embarking into relationship is precarious, but what I’m saying is that the word of God warns us to be careful about compromising our souls. Don’t accept the poisonous prattle that “my previous, intimate relationships were actually beneficial, and they all prepared me for marriage.” At all costs, avoid ungodly and unhealthy baggage because eventually it has to be unpacked and dealt with.
