“Will you marry her, right now?”
These days, I frequently meet young couples and, to varying degrees, the conversations go something like this:
Me: So, you guys are in a relationship?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yes. (Giddy)
Me: Is it serious?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Well, sort of.
Me: Do you guys love each other?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yes. (Girl blushing)
Me: Are you guys engaged?
Boyfriend: (Quickly answers) Oh no! It’s definitely not that serious!
Me: Are you having sxx with her?
Boyfriend: Well, yeah.
Me: And you don’t think sxx is serious?!!
Boyfriend: Wuhhh???
Me: I’m an ordained Pastor. I have the authority to marry you both, right now, on the spot. We have witnesses and we have a ring. Young lady, would you marry him, right now?
Girlfriend: Yes. (shy, hopeful, vulnerable, and nervous)
Me (to the guy): Would you marry her, right now?
Boyfriend: Ummm, well… I have to finish school… the timing isn’t right… we’re still seeing if we’re compatible… it’s too early for that… blah-blah-blah.
About this time, the girl begins repeatedly wiping falling tears from her eyes, but they just keep coming. The guy, either oblivious or unconcerned with the girl’s current pain, begins to hem-and-haw and try to squirm out of this situation. But there’s no avoiding his sudden exposure, nor the agony on her face at his swift betrayal. Right there, on the spot, these men inadvertently and shamefully reveal their true, inner, ignoble intentions.
I ask the girl, “Did you hear what he just said? He just expressed and defined his level of commitment towards you! He just said, ‘Sure, I’ll have sex with you, but I won’t marry you because this is as far as I’m willing to go with you.'” Typically, the guy just stands there, too dumbfounded to react, so I clarify a bit more. “Young lady, let me translate what he just said. ‘I love you enough to have sex with you, but not enough to marry you.'” (Those men’s faces, though. LOL!)
Too many men today simply want to enjoy the benefits of sexual intimacy without the responsibility of commitment. In his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris shared a relationship principle. “Intimacy is the reward of commitment.” This basically means that commitment comes first, then intimacy.
Glaringly, in these types of relationships, the man’s objectives are not love-based, they’re lust-based. So, for starters, let’s stop calling this love. In Maximized Manhood, Doctor Edwin Louis Cole wrote, “Love gives — lust gets. Love gives at the expense of self. Lust gets at the expense of others.” Men, get a clue! If you want a glimpse of real love, just look at the cross, where Jesus gave his life. This is love. (John 3:16) How can we call our relationships love if, 1) We are doing things that God does not approve of, 2) We are selfish, vice selfless, and 3) The things we do create regret, embarrassment, shame, and guilt? These are symptoms of sin! And love cannot produce sin! So, stop calling that love!
Men, asking for a woman’s heart and body is no light matter. (Read A Woman’s Question by Lena Lathrop) As the old wedding sermons would state, “Marriage (sex) is not to be enterprised lightly or wantonly to satisfy man’s carnal lust and appetites, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, in the fear of God, duly considering the causes for which matrimony was ordained.”
- Reverently: profound respect mingled with awe
- Discreetly: discernment or good judgment
- Advisedly: to carefully consider
- Soberly: to be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice
Finally, ladies, your purity (sexual and emotional) are worth fighting for! Please don’t get this intimacy part backwards. Get the commitment first, because you are worth the wait. What you have — your heart, your body, your soul, your sexuality — is valuable! It is priceless! It is powerful! A real man knows this and he will earn your heart and intimacy with, 1) A ring, and 2) His life!
In closing, we need your help. Being full-time missionaries in Japan is physically and spiritually demanding, and financially expensive. We’re genuinely about The Father’s Business, but we simply cannot fulfill these ministries without financial support. Please consider partnering with us through financial gifts and offerings. Donations can be made online at CinA