“Will you marry her right now?”
Lately, I’ve had a recurring conversation with multiple young couples. Sounds like this:
Me: So, you guys are in a relationship?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yes.
Me: Is it serious?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Well, sort of.
Me: Do you guys love each other?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yes. (Girl blushing)
Me: Are you guys engaged?
Boyfriend: (Quickly answers) Oh no! It’s definitely not that serious!
Me: Are you having sex with her?
Boyfriend: Well, yeah.
Me: And you don’t think sex is serious?!!
Boyfriend: Uhhh???
Me: I’m an ordained Pastor. I have the authority to marry you both, right now, on the spot. We have witnesses and we have a ring. Lady, would you marry him, right now?
Girlfriend: Yes. (Very nervous)
Me (to the guy): Would you marry her, right now?
Boyfriend: Ummm, well… I have to finish school… the timing isn’t right… we’re still seeing if we’re compatible… it’s too early for that… blah-blah-blah.
About this time, the girl begins to repeatedly wipe the tears from her eyes, but they just keep falling. Meanwhile, the guy begins to hem and haw and try to squirm out of this situation, but there’s no avoiding the pain on the face of their girlfriend. These men have inadvertently and shamefully been exposed. I ask the girl, “Did you hear what he just said? He just expressed and defined his level of commitment towards you… just how far he’s willing to go in this relationship. He just said, ‘Sure, I’ll have sex with you, but I won’t marry you because this is as far as I’m willing to go with you.'” Typically, the guy just stands there dumbfounded, so I clarify for him. “Let me translate what you just said. You love her enough to have sex with her, but not enough to marry her.”
Many men today simply want to enjoy the benefits of sexual intimacy without the responsibility of commitment. Joshua Harris, in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, share a principle that “intimacy is the reward of commitment” which basically means that commitment comes first, then intimacy. Glaringly, in these types of relationships, the man’s objectives are not love-based, they’re lust-based. So, for starters, let’s stop calling this love.
Also, in Maximized Manhood, Doctor Edwin Louis Cole wrote, “Love gives — lust gets. Love gives at the expense of self. Lust gets at the expense of others.” If you want to get a glimpse of true love, just look at the cross. Jesus gave his life. This is love. (John 3:16) How can we call our relationships love if, 1) We are doing things that God does not approve of, and 2) We are doing things that create shame, guilt, embarrassment, and regret? Love cannot produce sin!
Finally, ladies, please don’t get this intimacy part backwards! What you have — your heart, your body, your soul, your sexuality — is valuable! It’s priceless! And it is powerful! A real man will earn it with, 1) A ring, and 2) His life!