“Epiphany on I-70E”
In the Sexual Integrity & Restoration class in the Brig, I shared Pastor Mark Gungor’s 5 Keys to Incredible Sex (Romance, Foreplay, Time, Privacy, & Exclusivity) – fundamental principles that your wife needs to experience incredible sex. As we examined “Exclusivity,” I asked, “Do you suppose that men and women, who have fewer sexual partners, ultimately make better spouses and have less marital problems?” The men said yes, but they weren’t sure why.
I asked them to recall their first girlfriend, and then subsequent intimate relationships. I asked, “In the first relationship, did you go all out with an open heart?” The men said yes. I pressed, “What happened to your heart as you progressed from Girl A to Girl B, and so on?” The men all said there was a growing caution and apprehension. I asked why, and they all admitted that relationship A ended in pain. (This is called ‘divorce,’ and it hurts, and it leaves scars.) As a result, upon entering subsequent relationships, we tend to be increasingly guarded and suspicious. Trust issues, anyone?
How do multiple relationships and accompanying divorces affect us? And, what does this have to do with “exclusivity”? FYI: It has everything to do with exclusivity! The diametric opposition of exclusivity is open, shared, unrestricted, public! Where relational intimacy is concerned, exclusivity guards and saves, whereas indulgence neglects and kills. (Read Proverbs 4:23)
The men began to see how the pain of sinful, multiple relationships and divorces affect us — conditions us — to hold back a little more each time we enter a new relationship. It’s a form of withdrawal. (Not good.) One man even said, “We quickly learn the rules of the game, so we have to protect ourselves.”
I recalled and shared an epiphany I had in my marriage back in the summer of ‘97. Sandy and I had been happily married just over ten years. We were traveling across Missouri on I-70E, heading to Indianapolis. I was behind the wheel and our two baby daughters were in the back, sleeping in their car seats. As Sandy was napping in the passenger seat, I found myself stealing glances of her. Something in me began to stir, a realization, of sorts. It slowly dawned on me that this woman really loved me. Next, I realized that I really, deeply loved this woman, but that wasn’t the epiphany.
Right there on the highway, the Holy Spirit was guiding me into a greater, necessary understanding of myself and my relationship with Sandy. I understood plainly that, for all these years, Sandy had been loving me with all her heart, and that I had been holding back, but I didn’t yet understand why. As the Holy Spirit began to connect-the-dots for me, I saw that I had been guarding my heart, and now I understood why. I learned two profound things in those precious few moments:
- That I didn’t fully trust Sandy. Not because of anything she had done, but because of the things I had done — my previous relationships and their inevitable programmings, and now, to some degree I was bound by my past actions. To put it another way, I wasn’t free to fully love Sandy because of my sinful past.
- In that moment, something in me broke, a surrender and healing, of sorts. I gave in and I purposed in my heart to open up, risk it all, and give Sandy all of my heart. (I actually remember sighing audibly.)
Since then, I’ve learned that the real fruits of those “previous relationships” weren’t beneficial, nor did they foster greater freedom and experience. The real fruits were greater bondage and greater baggage. Through my past sinful relationships, I became guarded, suspicious, calloused, and desensitized. These untimely relationships actually put me in a type of self-imposed bondage, albeit ignorantly.
I told the inmates that, not long after that moment of surrender and healing, our marriage went to an entirely deeper and different level of love and intimacy. I testified that in the following season, because I poured all my heart into Sandy, she blossomed even more as a woman, wife, and mother. All the men understood, and wanted this type of closeness, intimacy, success, and fulfillment in their marriages. And now, they had a snapshot of how to get there.
I told the men, in that moment on the highway, God illuminated and began to heal a poisoned area of my life that I was totally unaware of. I surrendered to Sandy then, but as I continue to surrender to God now, He forgives, heals, delivers, and restores! Romans 8:1-2 says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. (vs.2) And because you belong to Him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.” (See also Rom 6:18, 22; Jn 8:32; Lu 4:18; 2Cor 3:17; Gal 5:1)
I challenged the men to strive for abstinence and purity. Also, allow God to identify damage we’ve done to ourselves and others, because only He can forgive and restore.
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